-“Doctor…After years of marriage I’m still anxious when I undress in the bedroom.”

Graciela X. is an attractive middle-aged housewife with a wonderful family that confessed her lingering sexual fear in the intimacy of her bedroom. In our age of supposedly sexual liberation with non-stop exposition of all kinds of audacious poses in the social media, this confession seems so, so quaint. However the sexual fears (and the related pathological presentation in the form of phobias) are a cause of emotional frustration.

Our sexuality is progressively construed since childhood with the influx of the household, the school, the media, the circle of friends, the associates, etc. These social influences interact with our powerful trove of animal instincts to achieve a socially acceptable expression of our sexuality along our lives.

Usually we enter our loving relationships with some fear and anxiety, which is a perfectly normal human response to an unknown, exciting experience. In spite of having some previous experience, each couple must walk through the steps of mutual psychological and physical familiarity to reach a state of mutual ecstasy in the bedroom.

Once the relationship ceases to be purely casual and becomes steady, there is a “switch” in attitudes—emotional and social—that conditions the partners’ physical and psychological awareness of each other. Words are superfluous.

Dr. Walter Ghedin says “there are still women reticent to show what they feel, to ask for what they like or to move in sync with the erotic moment…Men are also conditioned by their desire to perform appropriately, to have a sustained erection and to make women moan during penetration.” As we discussed in a previous blog, there is a lot of feminine make-believe.

Dr. Debra Kaplan described 12 specific triggers of sexual fears that provoke a reaction:

  1. To touch or caress the body (especially breasts, nipples or thighs)
  2. To look at the genitalia (your own of those of your partner)
  3. To touch your partner’s genitalia.
  4. To kiss the breasts, the mouth or the genitalia.
  5. To be penetrated (by the penis or another object)
  6. To smell the sexual secretions (semen, vaginal fluids, breath)
  7. To feel excited (your own or the one of your partner)
  8. To have an orgasm (loss of control)
  9. To oral sex (give or receive)
  10. To become pregnant
  11. To catch a contagious disease
  12. To the nakedness of one’s body or the one of your partner

There are multiple reasons for the emergence of sexual phobias: restricted education, religious beliefs, rigid cultural patterns, sexual abuse, physical violence, personality disorders, inferiority complex, social anxiety, fear of social critique, physical handicaps (real or perceived), and the unreasonable expectations of sexual performance drilled into our minds by a toxic media.

If you consider that you might be suffering from any of these phobias, you should consult a trained professional for the proper evaluation and treatment.

What do you think? Please tell us.

Don’t leave me alone.





12 thoughts on “The sexual fears

  1. Good evening dear Bojana and thanks for your excellent commentary.It is quite measured indeed; I confess I was expecting something a ” little bit more daring” from you dear. We must surely take into account our sexual partner’s wishes and avoid hurting her/his/ihr feelings and sense of self-esteem. But that should not impede us to suggest something new to “spice up” the sex in a steady, long-term relationship. don’t you think? As you didn’t give me permission to resume my kissing schedule with you, I am not sending you any. A posto!

  2. Hi, my dear Bojana. Where were you? I missed you SO,SO MUCH when I woke up and didn’t see you input. Working hard now so I will respond later. Can I send you a kiss?

  3. Great post, dottore.

    These fears are very personalized, meaning they vary in degree and intensity from one individual to another.

    I would also mention the fear of sexual intercourse itself. Many people like the romantic notion of a relationship, that is they like kissing, cuddling, going out, hanging out but dread of moving in into the next level.
    There is also the fear of intimacy and the emotional closeness it is accompanied with.
    Then, there is the fear of sexual perversion. Could my partner be perverted? Could I be a pervert? I guess, such people have no problem engaging in neat and tidy sex, i.e. a traditional sexual relationship, as long as it doesn’t include role play, experimenting, toys and so on. In short, as long as it fits their moral code, it’s ok.

    Lots of fears are rooted in the fear of abandonment.

    What do you think? Ça va?

  4. During the span of my married life, whenever I performed sex acts, just as quick-shot, then it hardly afforded me any internal satisfaction – it reminded me as though something is missing. On the other hand when we had sex for mutual satisfaction then it is ‘not with each other’ but ‘for each other’ each getting satisfaction out of the sex acts. Although the fore acts remained as it has been mentioned in the above-cited blog. Thanks for sharing informative blog.

    1. Thanks again for a great commentary. Please send my regards to your lovely wife. I haven’t met her but I bet she is an enchanting lady, well versed in the art of seduction. Ask her if she might be willing to write a guest blog titled “How to catch a good man and keep him.” Ha-ha-ha.

      1. Yes, my wife is not only a good house wife but to keep our home in order. Although my children have well settled in life, yet she is always there to assist me in whatever manner it is needed for the wellbeing of the family. She also keeps alive our relationship with our other relatives and friends. She has made it possible for me to devote my time and energy on some productive pursuits. I shall request her to write. Regards

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