Phicklephilly

Dear friends:

It’s a pleasure to present Charles Wiedenmann, a.k.a Phicklephilly, a great writer, indefatigable romantic and a ferocious blogger to you today. Charles was born and raised in Philadelphia but he has lived in many cities, pursuing his career in the financial sector and his artistic inclination. He graduated with an Arts major in Philadelphia and became a musician, singer and songwriter. Like his father before, he worked 30 years in the financial industry and an additional 10 years in advertising; after living in Manhattan, he recently moved back to “The city of Brotherly Love.” Being single, he started to narrate his informal encounters with men and women of the dating scene in his regular blog at: phicklephilly.wordpress.com His prose is vibrant as it is filled with the real problems and dilemmas of modern people. He has some advice for the ladies out there that are looking for their Prince Charming. Please take center stage Phickle buddy. It’s showtime. Avanti!

Twelve practical steps to lasso your Prince Charming

Modern women are constantly complaining that men do not know what we want from them, which makes bonding with us difficult, even dangerous. It is not that hard to know what we expect from a woman. Here are a few tips:

1 – Stay in shape

We want to be aroused by the sight of you being naked. Men are visual animals. That’s why we like to have sex with the lights ON. We like your body and want to see it. People can argue the pitfalls of BMI scale all they want, but for the average Jane, it works just fine. Men don’t want a bag of bones, nor do they want a woman that looks like she’s hoarding beach balls.

2 – Lay off the Body Modification 

Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all). We don’t like piercings that are out of control and all over the place. Also, fake boobs make you look fake. Plus they’re dense unlike real breasts. Lots of men like small breasts—they make you look younger and defiant.

3 – Make our own money

When it comes to money, men really couldn’t care less if you make a whole lot, but you need to be making enough so that you are not a financial drain on him. If you make more than him, more power to you in the couple—just refrain from throwing it in his face like some form of one-upmanship.

4 – Be feminine

Men want to date real WOMEN, not bros with vaginas. It’s a huge turnoff. Please refrain from using foul language and act aggressively in our presence. We like to enjoy a graceful, pleasant company that makes us feel at ease. Whether you like it or not, men like women that like them. Easy as that.

5 – Be tolerant

Being attentive to your partner’s desires and wishes does not mean that you are a door mat without any voice in the relationship. It means that you care about him and are willing to accommodate his world into yours as much as you can. Seriously, heaven forbid you do a little back bending for the sake of pleasing YOUR man because you want to keep him interested in you. Rub his back, watch a game together, kiss him…A GOOD man will reciprocate by rubbing your toes, watch a chick movie and snuggle with you in the sofa.

6 – Sex life.

Men want a woman that has a healthy sex drive and few past sexual partners. That means that you and your past boyfriend had a lot of sex. It does not mean that you were the town trollop. We get it, you want to be able to sleep with the college football team and not be judged for it the same way he ran through the cheerleading squad. Life’s not fair—get used to it. The average Joe will never see that many women anyway. Men also do not want a woman that leverages sex as a way to get what she wants. That is a pretty good indicator that she’s really not all that interested in you in the first place.

7 – Show your wits

Women wrongly assume that men usually dread the varied manifestations of intelligence in the feminine genre—that is such a 19^th century thought, dear. No man wants a woman that cannot flex her mental muscles. Smart is way sexier than dumb any day. And we love to admire our girlfriend’s chutzpah.

8 – Tread carefully if you have children

This is the kind of the not-so-secret, secret. Men usually neither want to have instant families nor to raise another man’s child. This goes double if have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial.  It does not matter if your child’s father was abusive, a deadbeat, a good man or tragically hit by a bus. The bottom line is that you have a child, and he/she does not belong to the eligible bachelors out there. You might have to compensate by showing more strength in other areas, especially the affective streak. It may sound so primitive but if you’re a good homemaker—which does not mean you’re a stay-at-home wife—he’ll be more inclined to build a family with that legacy.

9 – Be willing to rattle the pots and pans

I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in terms of women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner in the microwave has fallen by the wayside. Men should learn how to cook and help with the nurturing of the children at the crucial time of the family table; but women should not relinquish their role as the hearth’s custodian. I’m a fabulous cook so I’ll cook for you too, darling—and you’ll love me more.

10 – Put down the phone

We get it. Your bathroom selfie just got you 40 likes on Facebook/Instagram and boosted your ego for the next 15 minutes. Then you just bought the newest chamomile tea from the coffee shop that is SOOO delicious, and  you need to tweet about it and send a Snapchat to your bestie while you are driving home from work (that light ahead is red, btw). Perhaps you should unplug from the matrix long enough to realize that there is a living breathing person in close proximity trying to interact with you. This is why my friends and I stack our phones on the table in front of us—amazing things follow.

11 – Ease up on the makeup

The less the better. It is bad enough that the makeup industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that essentially tells women that they are ugly. What is even worse is that half of you come out of the house looking like a clown. Maybe you should throw away your creams and work with what you have.

12 – Stop hoarding guy friends

Nine out of ten of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway. Men know how other men think. The first guy that comes to comfort you after a big fight will also be the first one to say “he’s not good enough for you” in order to sabotage the ongoing relationship. It’s not about trust issues. It’s about knowing how people act. Trust is earned, not immediately granted.

And don’t forget to display a big smile to show the real YOU to the whole wide world!