-“Doctor…My girlfriend just dumped him—and I’ve always liked him.”

Amongst the trickiest situations a lady can find herself in modern times is to start dating the former boyfriend or husband of one of her closest friends. And it puts all her counsellors, including us physicians, in a tricky bind.

Unlike many men—who wouldn’t even dither at the real chance of having a romantic tryst with one of his girlfriend’s female buddies—women in general place their close friendship with other women in pride of place. Considering that women are terribly territorial (yes ladies, face the truth), it doesn’t really matter if she had dumped that deadbeat years ago. She still considers him as part of her story and is unwilling to share him in any form except as fodder for continuing criticism and sarcasm in her conversations.

Sandra X. told me about her personal quagmire in my office many years ago. She then proceeded to ask that most dreadful question:” what should I do?” You might be wondering what I said. Surely not a detached: “dunno know.” At the time I was younger and less conservative in my dealings with women.

-“ Well, this is really difficult….But I think that you should be the one that breaks the news to her before even going into the first date with him, eh.”

-“Asking her for permission?”

-“Not that…Just tell her what’s going on and that you’re emotionally torn.”

Following my advice, Sandra told her friend about the possibility of dating her Ex. On hearing the news she got extremely upset, to the point that she never talked to her again. Dismissing her friend’s anger, Sandra went on a date with her former boyfriend. It went so well that they had another one…Then they went on a trip….They finally got married. Now they have a solid family with two beautiful children, something she always wanted.

Sandra was steadfast and valiant in a decision that changed her life forever.Perhaps that valour might be more difficult to muster in our hyper-connected age where you can count on the predictable backlash in all the social media. However I do believe that women are more courageous than men overall; if she believes that he might be a good prospect, she will take that leap of faith.

Les femmes…Celles qui nous poussent a devenir un peu plus courageux.

What do you think? Please tell us.

Don’t leave me alone.

15 thoughts on “Dating her friend’s Ex

  1. I AM territorial. I never ran away from it. But so are men. A long long time ago, before I became a nun, I dated a good-looking man (well, since all ‘your’ women are always pretty, so can my guys)…..anyway, we agreed on a loose kind of relationship, which he used to engage in before me. When I told him I talked to my ex (no sex involved), his reaction was: I don’t like to share what’s mine. Hm…

    As for dating your friend’s ex, it was never my piece of cake. It IS tricky, as you said. Thank God, I never ‘stole’ my close friend’s ex nor did it happen to me, and I know neither of us would have liked it if it did. We’d both consider it an act of betrayal. I wonder what would have happened if we had stolen their partners when still together. Loss of friendship, or trust, for sure.

    This is something very French, I’d say. It’s modus vivendi there. A Bosnian girlfriend married to a Frenchman and living in France told me once his sisters and their hubs were visiting them for Christmas. The following year, they showed up again but this time married to another sister’s (now) ex hubbies. Tell me, dottore, how weird is that?! Or I’m just way too conservative. Or just not French (enough).

    Hugs, my dear, have a wonderful WE.

    1. Good morning and thanks for your incredibly frank and long commentary cara amica. I just scolded our common friend Brandewulf for not behaving properly in the web; he dared not to greet me properly in the first message I opened today. Of course, I howled at him in earnest. Well…The subject is very touchy as even French women value friendship amongst themselves. But if you happen to fall in love (not only feeling lust for him) with your friend’s ex, what are you going to do? I’m so glad that I became a monk of Medicine, safely detached form those passionate entreaties. Un baccione.

      1. Hello dear,
        You really are a monk. It’s not a joke, is it?
        And I think you’re meanie for scolding my friend. Why are you so touchy and so formal. A touchy formalist. Don’t chase people away for not greeting you ‘properly.’ They took time to read and comment on your post and that’s what should matter. By doing that, they do show respect and interest. I think you should be slightly more flexible if you want to keep your followers.

      2. Oftentimes boring is better. Let’s move on, dear. By the way, I just completed the preface to my manuscript where I specifically say that you will write the introduction to it. Avanti bersaglieri!

  2. I am with you here. If is your BFF it could be messy, but in the same time we are different persons. We feel different and act different. Every case is different. If is not cheating then I guess it could be OK.

    1. Good morning and thanks fot your commentary. Indeed a woman should only follow the dictates of her heart and not the social conventions. By tbe nature of your reply, I guess that you must be a lady. And I saw that you are in Romania, aren’t you? Can you prepare an article about a dish typical of the Carpathian mountains like boar or deer?
      Un baccione. Arrivederci!

      1. I am from a lady. I never prepared boar or deer. I have an uncle who knows a lot. Those wild animals are really a treat but also very expensive and rare to find. If I would prepare in the future I will write a post about it.

    1. Good morning and happy Sunday dear Ingrid. You’re right that most girls will not engage in that kind of behavior but that only applies to their close girlfriends, the ones that stay around them all life long. When the friendship is more tenuous, the natural competitive nature of women ( admit that you are very competitive, much more than men) might tempt them to snatch the fallen prey. Hey, I do confess that long, long time ago (before I became monk of Medicine) I enjoyed one or two of those “passed partout’ with the friends of my ex-girlfriends. Changing the subject please don’t forget to read and comment a strong posting about injustice against a single working Mom that comes up tomorrow. If you become angry, please spill it in your writings.Bloggers are people of conscience that want to change the world.Un bisou. A bientot.

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